House/Divided.

Its been almost two weeks since I found out I am headed into a place I thought I would never face. I thought for sure I would feel this stress. I thought for sure its be overbearing. I thought for sure I would have to move passed a few things. Sure. But I didn't know I had signed up to at some point do this alone. Marriage isn't about divorce. I married a man of my dreams. He loves me for me and he is my home. Never once did I think that life would get in the way and we would be facing all these things in life and be dividing our house. Thats right. DIVORCE.

No one person at fault. Me probably more than any if there was a blame to place. 10 months out of our 14 month marriage...I have been pregnant and unsteady. And approaching 4 months of that time I have been battling postpartum depression.  I have been selfish. I am a mess and I am not sure if there is any salvaging what is here. This isnt what we intended but we both have so much shit that we carry around with us that until we unload that and leave it. We will not be ok. Me for sure.  I doubt the world because I have had nothing but loud disappointments in life. There have been very few solid people who have seen me through my weakest points. I start getting weak and I shut the world out. In this case maybe it will have the hardest effect on me.

The world I am in right now feels like a terrible nightmare. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT LOVE ME? How can you look at me and our daughter and say that?    I am doing my very best to stay calm. Be cool. And collected. Meanwhile my entire life is going to hell in a hand basket and I have no energy to grasp and hang on for dear life. I am tired. I am stressed. I have been spending so much time running from my depression and trying to keep the lid on it fearful of the judgement that would follow that I have done no speaking aloud. This is real. This is life.

Chicken Bimbo

This parenting thing isn't so hard. Its actually going fairly easy. Not much effort goes into the actual "parenting" part but a ton of effort goes into the thought process of BEING a parent. What does it mean to parent? What is right? What is wrong? How do people do this? Why dont people do this? What time did she eat? What time did she poop? Why is she crying? Why wont she sleep? Can the neighbors hear her? What day did she have a bath last? She enjoys baths can she have every night? Did we buy the right thing? Why doesnt she like her co-sleeper? Why would she like her crib? Why is she so far away? Can I hold her all night? Can I let her cry? She likes this show? WHY?


The answers are all simple. She's a tiny human. There is no "right or wrong" way to wear this cape as long as general and other wise child neglect is avoided. Parenting is the survival of a tiny baby to a big baby in whatever way you can get there!

For me right now, my biggest struggle is letting her be a BABY. Guess, I missed the memos on babies crying and it being OK.

I wish I had a relax button. We are making it and doing well!! Not everything is how I planned. In fact NOTHING is but I have the greatest baby.

Please put a hole in society's balloon and take off my mask!

Lest There Be

Its just another night home pondering the greater things in life. I should be asleep so that I am well rested to take care of my little, but my head is still killing me and sleep is no where to be found. At least the little will be well rested. She was quite cranky today perhaps she was feeling my pain too.

I am a month into motherhood! I have made it this far!! A few times I thought I was doomed and would never return back to normal. . . or find a new normal. Its coming along quite well. I am slowly trying to accept that I have ONE week left at home before the big bang ... returning to work. I have to admit, I am very very very!! scared. Not only am I leaving my child all day but also I am entering a new work life. I don't have any idea what my new position will bring me but I am praying that I can kick its ass as I have done every other job in my life. ONLY this time I have something against me... i want to be home. I so desire to be the provided of love and nurture to my daughter full time. Even if thats crazy.  Its kinda like trying to breastfeed my lactose child....its just not in the cards and I have to pull out my big mama panties and do what I must. Thankfully she will be home with daddy!! I wont have much time with my husband but us working different shifts really works well at least for now.

I have only failed on most anything I "planned" so far for motherhood OTHER than being the best I can be. Our birth plan went to shit. Then we get a week and a half into breastfeeding to discover my little lady isnt possessed at 1-4am....shes something in the lactose genre and not able to handle breast milk! Thank you similac for making my happy child reappear....do you think you can do something for my heart that is heavy and broken?  TOTALLY let down with this discovery but she doesnt seem to know the difference minus actually feeling good and not screaming for hours like she is being set on fire.  That being said, as the adult, I will get over my broken heart. She makes it worth it!   I tried pumping for a week or so, that was more depressing than anything. I have about 20oz in my freezer....and that gig was hung up. Sitting hooked to machine 6 hours a day....was not working for me. I was going to lose it--so I let it go!


Those tiny toes are growing and wont little for long. They are thrilling!

Sleepless Mom Things

It wasn't so long ago that I spent 30 hours in excruciating labor pain only to find myself faced with the need to make a choice for my child's safety; to let her possibility of infection increase as she breathed and labored in her meconium filled water bag flushing or to accept the help of modern medicine and proceed abandoning completely my natural birth plan.  The choice was easy, get my baby here safely! An epidural and pitocin topped with a nice nap allowed me to progress and deliver the sweetest most precious gift I could have ever been given.

Now, four days later and a few days at home I find myself in awe. This little girl is mine for the keeping. Her safety and growth belongs to her father and I. Shes amazing. Loves to sleep and look around. Is her fathers little princess and her mommies lady bug!  I am so beyond blessed.

So far happiness is all I feel. Love and joy. I am so overwhelmed by the completion I feel. Seeing my husband love his little girl melts me into a zillion pieces and let's me fall in love with him in a whole new light. I couldn't have created a better husband or father. He truly is what I need him to be. I hope he knows this. I try to show him as much as possible.

Nights when my husband goes to work seem to leave me a little blue. I am so scares and nervous to not know what or how to do something for our daughter.  Tonight I find myself restless. Hard to let my nerves calm and let go. I am really  challenged to trust myself and that's beyond hard. I hope I figure it out soon! I know I can do this!

Stoneless, Cherries

This journey is nearing its end. I don't know why but it's very bitter sweet that soon,

I will be holding my sweet child. She will no longer be growing in my womb,

but rather growing before my eyes.

Woke up this morning and for the first time since learning

we were pregnant I have truly braced myself for the worst.

It's a wonderful feeling knowing that our little lady is almost grown,

at least in terms of her fetal development. 

I however, have begun to feel miserable. 

Its the last thing I want to feel, I am so very excited!!

Not being able to be active and move freely at my own whim,

is killing me! 

It's very depressing. I like to be able to just GO if i want to GO! 

And these days I am just "rolling" literally feel like I am nothing but a 

butterball moving through life as slowly and painfully as possible.

Hopefully this is just new "hormones" and I will level out again,

but all day of having an achy vagina,

back,

and being unable to get comfortable enough to "rest".....

Might be the end.

I know this process in by no means supposed to be "easy" and it hasn't been!

But just a little give from my body would be wonderful. 

I wish I could get DH to understand the masses of body pressure....

on top of mental pressures. I am not sure my brain shuts off!

Thank God for Work! and also. likewise with home.

Many days I am beyond excited to escape "life" to work 

but am more than ready to escape work to go back on my life journey.

This depression has me going through the motions. I am not quite sure what I am supposed to do?

Sit around? 

I would like to think not but anything I do causes extreme pain? 

Lay around?

Bed sores YUM! 

Fudge, Smiles, and Cheer

   Grandpa's house doesn't quite smell as ripe as last year--The last year we were here anyhow. It's been a spell since this season ended with family and cheer like it did when I was a child or perhaps even a few years ago. Looking back, I starve for that young girl craving creativity and grace. Where did little miss Christmas cheer go? While, I am not sure exactly where she went, I can assume that life has swallowed her whole...she's been soured by the things of real life and events that she has no control over. When was it ever a problem to not have enough money to give? If I can't give to the ones I would like to give to, then why would I give at all? What would I like to give? Giant hugs and kisses and kitchen messes among screaming children and my brothers, yes, their big smiles and sloppy love! 

  Once upon a time we never traveled on this day but we had a house full of love and excitement! Family came from all over and we would huddle around in all the rooms laughing and joking as if there wasn't a problem in the world. Even when all the fudge was eaten and the small sister was left puking because she ate too much, there was nothing but JOY to be found. 

  I think that's what's wrong with Grandpa's house. It's been left cold and lonely as it is every year when he travels to visit but this year he isn't traveling. He hasn't gone anywhere for a few years and no one has come either. I guess that's what happens when you leave the Earth to pursue your other side. I am sure my mom and him have some spiked eggnog and are living it up. Meanwhile us Earth dwellers and spilling over with joy from family, friends, and glitter!! Or at least we are supposed to be. 

  I ate Christmas, that's what I did. I just ate it up. I didn't want to mess with it so I took it and tucked it into my napkin as if it were some bread...I took it outside and I ate it. 

  Grandpa's cold house, is how I feel. Empty. Cold. Christmas has become another day where others force a thought or belief on you and expect that all you do is celebrate. I don't want to celebrate on your terms I want to celebrate and LIVE on mine.  SO, I don't know about you...but if I ate Christmas, my dinner is over and I am ready for the New Year!

 My bahumbug should not be mistaken for unhappiness! I have EVERY joy in the world. I just don't want to be confined to celebrating as the world dictates I should. There's a little bun in my belly, my little lady, my little bear, my whole world that I am so excited to share!  My husband is truly amazing! I couldn't have molded my life any better! The world is at my feet and I am walking into it as it goes round. 

Merry Christmas, my last year without a child, my first year being married, and my  year where merry isn't coming so easy.