Fudge, Smiles, and Cheer

   Grandpa's house doesn't quite smell as ripe as last year--The last year we were here anyhow. It's been a spell since this season ended with family and cheer like it did when I was a child or perhaps even a few years ago. Looking back, I starve for that young girl craving creativity and grace. Where did little miss Christmas cheer go? While, I am not sure exactly where she went, I can assume that life has swallowed her whole...she's been soured by the things of real life and events that she has no control over. When was it ever a problem to not have enough money to give? If I can't give to the ones I would like to give to, then why would I give at all? What would I like to give? Giant hugs and kisses and kitchen messes among screaming children and my brothers, yes, their big smiles and sloppy love! 

  Once upon a time we never traveled on this day but we had a house full of love and excitement! Family came from all over and we would huddle around in all the rooms laughing and joking as if there wasn't a problem in the world. Even when all the fudge was eaten and the small sister was left puking because she ate too much, there was nothing but JOY to be found. 

  I think that's what's wrong with Grandpa's house. It's been left cold and lonely as it is every year when he travels to visit but this year he isn't traveling. He hasn't gone anywhere for a few years and no one has come either. I guess that's what happens when you leave the Earth to pursue your other side. I am sure my mom and him have some spiked eggnog and are living it up. Meanwhile us Earth dwellers and spilling over with joy from family, friends, and glitter!! Or at least we are supposed to be. 

  I ate Christmas, that's what I did. I just ate it up. I didn't want to mess with it so I took it and tucked it into my napkin as if it were some bread...I took it outside and I ate it. 

  Grandpa's cold house, is how I feel. Empty. Cold. Christmas has become another day where others force a thought or belief on you and expect that all you do is celebrate. I don't want to celebrate on your terms I want to celebrate and LIVE on mine.  SO, I don't know about you...but if I ate Christmas, my dinner is over and I am ready for the New Year!

 My bahumbug should not be mistaken for unhappiness! I have EVERY joy in the world. I just don't want to be confined to celebrating as the world dictates I should. There's a little bun in my belly, my little lady, my little bear, my whole world that I am so excited to share!  My husband is truly amazing! I couldn't have molded my life any better! The world is at my feet and I am walking into it as it goes round. 

Merry Christmas, my last year without a child, my first year being married, and my  year where merry isn't coming so easy.