Lest There Be

Its just another night home pondering the greater things in life. I should be asleep so that I am well rested to take care of my little, but my head is still killing me and sleep is no where to be found. At least the little will be well rested. She was quite cranky today perhaps she was feeling my pain too.

I am a month into motherhood! I have made it this far!! A few times I thought I was doomed and would never return back to normal. . . or find a new normal. Its coming along quite well. I am slowly trying to accept that I have ONE week left at home before the big bang ... returning to work. I have to admit, I am very very very!! scared. Not only am I leaving my child all day but also I am entering a new work life. I don't have any idea what my new position will bring me but I am praying that I can kick its ass as I have done every other job in my life. ONLY this time I have something against me... i want to be home. I so desire to be the provided of love and nurture to my daughter full time. Even if thats crazy.  Its kinda like trying to breastfeed my lactose child....its just not in the cards and I have to pull out my big mama panties and do what I must. Thankfully she will be home with daddy!! I wont have much time with my husband but us working different shifts really works well at least for now.

I have only failed on most anything I "planned" so far for motherhood OTHER than being the best I can be. Our birth plan went to shit. Then we get a week and a half into breastfeeding to discover my little lady isnt possessed at 1-4am....shes something in the lactose genre and not able to handle breast milk! Thank you similac for making my happy child reappear....do you think you can do something for my heart that is heavy and broken?  TOTALLY let down with this discovery but she doesnt seem to know the difference minus actually feeling good and not screaming for hours like she is being set on fire.  That being said, as the adult, I will get over my broken heart. She makes it worth it!   I tried pumping for a week or so, that was more depressing than anything. I have about 20oz in my freezer....and that gig was hung up. Sitting hooked to machine 6 hours a day....was not working for me. I was going to lose it--so I let it go!


Those tiny toes are growing and wont little for long. They are thrilling!