House/Divided.

Its been almost two weeks since I found out I am headed into a place I thought I would never face. I thought for sure I would feel this stress. I thought for sure its be overbearing. I thought for sure I would have to move passed a few things. Sure. But I didn't know I had signed up to at some point do this alone. Marriage isn't about divorce. I married a man of my dreams. He loves me for me and he is my home. Never once did I think that life would get in the way and we would be facing all these things in life and be dividing our house. Thats right. DIVORCE.

No one person at fault. Me probably more than any if there was a blame to place. 10 months out of our 14 month marriage...I have been pregnant and unsteady. And approaching 4 months of that time I have been battling postpartum depression.  I have been selfish. I am a mess and I am not sure if there is any salvaging what is here. This isnt what we intended but we both have so much shit that we carry around with us that until we unload that and leave it. We will not be ok. Me for sure.  I doubt the world because I have had nothing but loud disappointments in life. There have been very few solid people who have seen me through my weakest points. I start getting weak and I shut the world out. In this case maybe it will have the hardest effect on me.

The world I am in right now feels like a terrible nightmare. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT LOVE ME? How can you look at me and our daughter and say that?    I am doing my very best to stay calm. Be cool. And collected. Meanwhile my entire life is going to hell in a hand basket and I have no energy to grasp and hang on for dear life. I am tired. I am stressed. I have been spending so much time running from my depression and trying to keep the lid on it fearful of the judgement that would follow that I have done no speaking aloud. This is real. This is life.